Joke, gone too far
by xHawkstarx
Summary: Red vs. Blue fic: Grif is bored, so he sends Simmons on a phony mission to the Blue base. It's unlikely that the Blues, or Sarge for that matter, will react well to this.
1. Chapter 1

So... This was just sort of a random idea I got, once again with the help of Soup's RvB scenario creator. I'm planning to make this one longer, with a couple of chapters. Probably no more than four, though even that seems like a stretch. Most likely, I'll write another chapter and that'll be it.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy. c:

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><p>Boredom. It can be one of the worst things one can encounter, and in Blood Gulch it seemed to be the constant state for everyone. Grif was tired of it. Though it was nice to not have to do much of anything, it was rather wearing to have absolutely nothing to do at all. So he had come up with a plan to at least make today bearable. He was going to do... <em>something <em>to Simmons, something hilarious and embarrassing. He just hadn't figured out quite _what_ yet. For this reason, he had been avoiding the maroon soldier for much of the morning, not wanting to deal with him until it could be fun. As he stood at the side of the Red base, he thought quickly. What could be done? What would be both amusing and last for more than five seconds? While he was distracted by his thoughts, Grif failed to notice as Simmons approached him, a slight frown on the other man's face.

"Hey, Grif!" Simmons called, not using the friendliest tone. Grif gave a small start and turned to face the taller man, silently cursing himself for not finding a better hiding place.

"Oh, hey." He nodded. _I guess I'll just have to wing it._

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><p>Simmons narrowed his eyes, he thought that Grif looked a little nervous. Had he done something? That was usually the cause of that face.<p>

"What are you doing?" He asked, his tone suspicious.

"Doing? Uh, I was actually..." Grif paused briefly before meeting Simmons' eyes. "I was looking for you." Oh yeah, something was up.

"Looking for me? Why exactly?"

"Well, Sarge has a mission for you, but he was far too busy to give it to you directly so he decided to send it through me!" That seemed unlikely. If Sarge was so busy, and what exactly was he busy with? Why on earth did he send Grif? He hated the man! Why not send Donut? It only took Simmons a moment to realize that, had Donut been sent, the message would likely have been forgotten and he'd have his ear chatted off about something he would rather know nothing about. Grif was more likely to give him the message just so he could see Simmons do some work rather than do it himself.

"What mission?" Simmons was curious now. Missions were fairly rare around here, especially solo ones. He couldn't help but be a little excited and feel honored that Sarge had chosen him to do this. Whatever it was.

"He, um. He wants you to go to Blue base." Grif responded. Was that a hint of a smirk on the lazy man's face?

"What for?"

"Distraction. He wants you to go in, maybe get captured. We'll follow behind slowly and ambush them while the idiots are distracted." Simmons frowned. So this wasn't really much of a mission. He was just the distraction. Great, and here he thought he was thought of highly by his commanding officer. So much for that.

"Oh..." The tall man sulked a moment before a thought dawned on him. "Why didn't he send you or Donut as the distraction?" Grif laughed at this.

"Because we're morons, according to him. We wouldn't be able to keep the ambush plans secret, apparently." Simmons nodded slowly. That was true, in Donut's case for sure. Smiling now, feeling reassured, Simmons stood tall and proud.

"So, I should leave right now?"

"Oh yeah. He wanted you to leave like, twenty minutes ago, but I couldn't find you."

"More like you didn't care and weren't even looking." Simmons smirked and shook his head. Oh, stupid, lazy Grif. The orange soldier remained silent, so Simmons turned on the spot. Evidently there was to be no more conversation. It was time to get this plan rolling. The tall man strolled purposely toward the base on the opposite side of the canyon.

A short time later, the maroon solder arrived at the Blue team's base. He was surprised that he hadn't run into any of the Blues on his way over. Shouldn't they have seen him as he walked so slowly, out in the open, toward their concrete home? Curious. He glanced around nervously and slowed his pace. Still, nothing stopped him as he entered the base. He almost called out a tentative "hello?", but thought better of it and just continued walking forward. As he reached another hall that intersected with the one he was in, however, a voice pulled him to a frightened halt.

"Don't move, we have you surrendered!" It said. Despite the wrong word being used, Simmons gulped and flicked his eyes over to see who had spoken. Standing in the hall to his right was the soldier in dark blue armor. Caboose, wasn't it? A frustrated sigh sounded from the left.

"It's surrounded, moron." The new voice muttered. Simmons turned now to look to the opposite side and saw the cobalt soldier he was fairly certain was called Church.

"Oh, sorry." Caboose sounded honestly apologetic. To Simmons, "surrounded" didn't seem like quite the right word either. He only had people to his right and left, technically he could run out the way he came. Making the quick decision, he turned around to do just that. However, he was surprised to see the third Blue standing there. He was unable to contain a small gasp.

"Surprised you, didn't I?" The aqua soldier said, his tone giving away the fact that he was smirking beneath his helmet. "I've been working on my sneaking skills. Gotten pretty damn good if I do say so myself."

"Yeah, great Tucker. You're a regular cat." Church uttered. It was almost definite that he was rolling his eyes. "Now, what are you doing here Red?" He stepped forward now, pressing the tip of his gun to Simmons' shoulder. At that moment, the worst on possible of course, Simmons couldn't help but wonder how the Blues had managed this sneak attack. They had always seemed more incompetent than his own team!

"Uh... It... Looked like you guys weren't here, so I came to check it out." He lied, hoping this would be accepted. Why hadn't he thought of something ahead of time? He glanced at Church out of the corner of his eye to see how the explanation had worked, but Caboose was the one to react.

"So the plan worked, Church! They thought we were gone, but we were only hiding so they would think we were gone and they would come over and we could surprise them and attack..." The sentence would have run on longer, but the idiot was cut off.

"Yeah. Great. Thanks for explaining my own plan to me and the enemy." Church growled.

"You're welcome!" Even Simmons couldn't help but roll his eyes as Caboose said this cheerfully. How could these guys deal with him? Even Grif and Donut combined weren't as annoying as this guy!

"What should we do with him then?" Tucker asked, looking over at Church. There was silence for a moment as the cobalt soldier seemed to consider this. Had they made a plan to draw the Reds in, but not thought about where to keep them once they were caught. Simmons almost let out a sigh at how terribly this team seemed to be run. He could do better if he were the leader.

"Uh, I guess we should just stick him downstairs, huh?" Church decided with a shrug. He then nodded to himself and poked Simmons with his gun. Get moving, buddy." The Red obliged without reluctance-he didn't want to get shot-and hoped that his team would show up soon.


	2. Chapter 2

I have to apologize for taking so long with this. I just sort of lost my inspiration. But I'm back on an RvB kick, and this was a ridiculous amount of fun to write. XD

There will be at least one more chapter!

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><p>As soon as Simmons had left, Grif had raced up to the top of the base with unusual speed and picked up the sniper rifle. Standing near the edge of the roof, he watched the maroon soldier until he was out of sight, at which point he brought up the rifle and continued to watch through the scope. It was disappointing at first, Grif had expected the Blues to see Simmons coming and like, shoot at him or something, but instead it seemed as though they weren't home. He gave a huffy sigh but kept watching, just in case. It ended up being worth it when he saw the other man enter the building and wind up surrounded. Of course, not much could be seen from this angle, but he got enough; he could see the guns pointed at the kiss-ass on either side, though his view was soon obstructed further when the teal guy went in to ambush the other red from behind. It was still so, so good though. Grif was having trouble holding the sniper rifle straight at this point thanks to the girly giggles that were now excitedly escaping his mouth. Once the men all disappeared from view, taking Simmons to their dungeon, or whatever, the orange soldier dropped the gun and continued to giggle, now practically bouncing as he imagined the exchanges that were taking place.<p>

Due to all of the laughing, Grif was unable to hear the approach of one of the reds that had remained behind. Seemingly attracted by the giggles, a man in pink armour, smiling like a dope as he pulled his helmet off, walked up to Grif.  
>"What's so funny?" Donut asked, eager to be in on the joke.<p>

The other man's voice startled Grif, causing him to jump. "Fuck! Dude, don't sneak up on people like that!" He shouted as he whipped around to face the rookie. He was swearing more internally as he realized that Donut had heard him laughing; now he'd have to either explain everything or come up with a made up reason for the laughter. But..aw man, this was so funny, it needed to be shared.

"Sorry, I thought you would have heard me," the pink private apologized, watching as the lazy man took off his helmet as well. "But what's the joke? Tell me, please! It sounded awesome from the way you were giggling."

"First of all, I was not giggling. My laugh is extremely manly," Grif said, holding up one finger to count off his statements. "And second...Yeah, fuck it, all right. I'll tell ya. I sent Simmons over to the Blue base, telling him that it was a secret mission from Sarge, and he bought it! He went over there and got ambushed by those idiots, and now they've taken him into their base!" He started laughing all over again, now picturing the look on Simmons' face. He half-wished that he had been there to see it, it definitely would have been a classic.

"What?" Donut gasped, his hand slapping over his mouth, appearing completely appalled. "Grif, that's awful!"

The other man frowned. That was not the reaction he had been expecting. "Not it's not! He was being annoying, he totally deserved it." Grif defended himself, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes at the rookie.

"But what if they shoot him or something?" Donut protested, shaking his head.

"Donut, you were captured by the Blues before, and you were fine. What did they do with you again?"

"...Caboose and I played truth or dare..."

"Exactly. He'll be fine," Grif waved it off and smirked. That is, until a gunshot echoed through the canyon.  
>The two men were silent for a moment, eyes wide and staring at each other.<p>

"Well, shit."

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><p>Simmons couldn't help but feel a twinge of worry as he was pushed along down the hallway of the Blue base. Okay, it was more than a twinge. He was not only at the mercy of idiots, but they were also idiots with guns.<br>Hopefully his team would get here soon.

He was jerked to a halt when they reached a big, empty room in the middle of the base. Now able to get out of a single file line, the Blues once more surrounded the Red soldier. There was silence for a moment until Caboose took his helmet off and cocked his head to the side.

Sensing the blonde's curiosity, Tucker turned to Church. "So...now what?" He asked.

This seemed to stump the cobalt soldier for a moment. "Er...I dunno. It's not often that we actually manage to catch one of 'em," he said finally, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. "But for just wandering into out base like that, you deserve it. I mean really, how fucken stupid are you?" The last bit was, of course, aimed at Simmons who was now fuming under his helmet.

"Yeah, because you guys are a bunch of geniuses!" The Red snapped.

"Whoa man, easy! Is that hostility I'm picking up? You might want to be careful, we might just decide to shoot you," Church returned sarcastically, smirking beneath his helmet.

"Yeah, we could just shoot him. That would be the easiest," Tucker pointed out.

"I think we should make him play board games with one of us. Some people here like board games, but no one else likes to play them with him," Caboose said, eyes shifting back and forth.

"Shut up, Caboose." Church growled. Though, thinking about it, he realized that playing board games with the idiot blue would be a really good form of torture. So good that he'd feel too bad for the Red; there was no way he could subject anyone to _that_.

Simmons quickly lost interest in the chattering of the enemy team and sighed. Man, these guys bickered even more than his own damn team, and he hadn't believed that to be possible. These idiots were breaking all kinds of records today.

"We could keep him here and interrogate him, or some shit," Tucker suggest with a shrug. "Maybe the Red team has some secrets or something we could use to our advantage."

"No, I still like that board game idea," Caboose said, shaking his head.

"Yeah, and we're not fucking doing that!" Church spat at the blue soldier. "Hmm... The interrogation thing might work. We could do that and maybe use him as leverage, get the Reds to surrender or...give us something."

"Yeah dude! That'll work," Tucked agreed, nodding.

"I'll go get the Monopoly board!" Caboose yelled happily, apparently not realizing that the teal soldier had been talking to Church rather than him. He quickly raced out of the room, dropping his gun on the floor as he left.

"...Why don't you just shoot him?" Simmons asked, raising a brow and glancing at the other two Blues.

Church, who's face was now in his palm, shook his head slowly. "I don't know anymore," he muttered.

"...It's complicated," Tucker replied. "Now...what are we gonna ask for?" Turning to his teammate, the teal soldier shifted his stance to a more comfortable one.

As the two enemy soldiers began to discuss what they were going to trade Simmons for, the taller man was slowly inching his way toward the gun that the moron had dropped. The two were completely distracted now, arguing over something Simmons didn't care about, so he shrugged and just reached down for the gun. With a smirk, he lifted it and aimed it at the Blues. They took no notice. He could have shot them both right there, and they'd have been none the wiser.  
>Not actually wanting to kill, the maroon soldier just cleared his throat. Church and Tucker both turned to look at him and were quite shocked to see him with a gun.<p>

"Son of a bitch!" Church shouted, taking a few steps back.

"Dude, I don't even want to know where you pulled that from," Tucker added, shaking his head.

"Your idiot teammate left it on the ground!" Simmons grimaced. How could they be so bloody oblivious?

"Wait...That's Caboose's gun?" The cobalt soldier asked, pointing at the gun. When the Red nodded the affirmative, the two Blues burst out into a fit of laughter.

"Oh god no, don't do it!" Tucked shrieked sarcastically.

"No, no, no, let him do it!" Church chuckled. "Come on Red, shoot me!"

Simmons had to admit that he was a little put off by the laughter, not understanding what was so funny. With a shrug, he pulled the trigger, causing the gun to emit a small popping sound. The Red stood there for a moment, just staring at the gun.

"It's...it's a cap gun?" He asked, glancing back up at the other two, both of whom were snorting and wheezing, practically on the floor with all of their amusement.

"Yeah! You don't think we'd let someone like that have a real gun anymore, do you?" Church panted after a moment, finally recovering from the fit of laughter.

Suddenly, Caboose reappeared in the doorway with an opened Monopoly box in hand. Bits and pieces of the game littered the ground behind him and paper money fluttered to the ground, all of which left a trail from his room to where he was standing. The blonde's eyes were wide and quickly assessed the situation.

"I heard shooting!" He shouted. Spotting his gun in Simmons' hands, the Blue launched himself at the enemy soldier. "No one shoots Church but me!"

Turning just in time to be slammed into by Caboose, Simmons stumbled and bumped into Tucker, who in turn fumbled, trying to stay upright. In the confusion, the teal soldier wound up squeezing the trigger of his very real gun, which issued a loud bang that was followed by the thump of Tucker's body hitting the ground.

"Oh, son of a fucking _bitch_! You have _got_ to be kidding me!" Church shouted. Curious, ears ringing, Simmons pulled himself up and glanced over at the swearing blue and spotted what was causing the shouting. Blood was running down the Blue's leg as he clutched it and fell over, still cussing away.  
>Tucker pulled himself up next, one hand on his head. Shaking it clear, he blinked a few times, trying to register everything that had just happened. Spotting his injured teammate, he swore and raced over to Church.<p>

"Shit dude, I am so sorry!" He repeated this over and over, though later he would be tempted to shoot the other man again.

"This...this is all your fault Caboose," Church snarled, glaring over at the blonde. "AGAIN."


	3. Chapter 3

**So, this is the final chapter of this fic. I'm quite proud of it, honestly, and am a little sad that I can't drag it on further. I've discovered that I absolutely love writing these guys! Because of this, I will likely be writing more RvB fics in the future.**

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><p>It was now Caboose's turn to sit up, looking a little more dazed than usual.<p>

"What did I-Oh my gosh, Church, you're hurt!" The blue soldier cried as he spotted his teammate's bleeding leg. He quickly started crawling toward the other blue, a very concerned expression on his face.

"Yeah, no shit. I wouldn't have fucking noticed if you hadn't pointed it out to me," Church growled, pulling his helmet off and glaring over at Caboose. "No. Nonono, stay the fuck away from me. Just stop. Stay where you are."

Caboose looked confused, but regardless did what he was told. At the moment, he was very confused about what had just happened and didn't understand why his 'best friend' was yelling at him and not wanting his comfort.

"Well, you guys seem pretty occupied. I'm just gonna-" Simmons started and began backing out of the room before he was cut off by the cobalt soldier.

"You're staying right here, red!" Church spat, swatting at Tucker's hand as the other man tried to get a look at the wound. Simmons sighed, but remained still. There was now a much bigger chance that they really would shoot him, and he was not at all willing to risk that.

"Well, if you're not going to let me look at it, I'm calling for a medic," Tucker said, raising his hands as Church slapped them away again.

"Fuck. No. No medics, they just... Ugh, fine, look at it then." Church folded his arms over his chest and leaned back against the wall behind him, trying to ignore the pain in his leg.

Simmons shifted around awkwardly now, unsure of what to do. He could probably run out of there before the blues could even react, but...there was still that chance that they could shoot him before he made it out. He gave a huffy breath before noticing out of the corner of his eye that Caboose was staring at him. Cocking a brow, the red turned to look at the blue.  
>"What?" He asked, the awkward feeling just increasing as Caboose continued to stare at him.<p>

"I do not understand what is going on," came the reply a moment later.

"The feeling's mutual," Simmons muttered, glancing back at Tucker, who was now crouched over Church's leg and inspecting it. What good he thought he could do was unknown to Simmons; he doubted any of the blues had any medical training. Then again, if all medics were anything like Doc, Church was probably better off in Tucker's hands.

"I'm pretty sure we'll have to get the bullet out," the teal soldier said, grimacing a little at the sight of the wound and all of the blood.

"With what? I don't want your filthy fingers digging into my leg!" Church snapped.

"Well...maybe we have some tweezers or something? Caboose! Go look in the bathroom for tweezers!"

The blonde jump to his feet, nodded, and raced out of the room again. He was now quite thrilled to be included in the action.

"...I just hope he knows what he's looking for." Tucker sighed as he watched the idiot leave.

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><p>Back at the red base, Grif and Donut were quite distressed.<p>

"Grif! You've got Simmons killed!" Donut cried loudly, shaking his head and looking as though he was about to fall to his knees and scream 'noooooo!' The orange soldier, looking quite panicked, slapped a hand over Donut's mouth.

"Shut up! He might not be dead. And we don't want Sarge hearing about this."

"You mean you don't!" Donut retorted as the hand was pulled away from his face. "Because it's your fault Simmons is dead."

"Fucking christ Donut, I doubt the blues actually managed to kill him!" However, there was doubt in Grif's mind. They needed to check this out, and fast. Even if they had only injured the other red, he could be killed any minute now. "Get in the puma, let's head over there and...see what's up." He couldn't really say rescue Simmons, just in case their teammate really was dead. And if Simmons was dead, Grif was dead. He was certain that once Sarge found out, he'd be looking down the barrel of the leader's shotgun within five seconds.  
>Glaring at the orange clad man, Donut nodded and the two quickly made their way down from the top of the base and to the jeep. Grif was so freaked out, he didn't even care that Donut had hopped into the passenger seat rather than the back. He merely started the vehicle and sped off in the direction of blue base.<p>

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><p>Caboose re-entered the room about ten minutes later, holding in his hand a pair of tweezers.<br>"Oh my god, it's a miracle! Caboose actually did something right!" Church cried bitterly as the blonde passed off the instrument to Tucker.

"Dude, you get even meaner when you're in pain," the teal soldier commented, twisting the injured man's leg a little so he could see the wound better.

"Shut the fuck up."

Caboose, a little disheartened, stepped back from the two and walked back to Simmons.  
>"I think Church is mad at me for some reason," he whispered to the red. Simmons rolled his eyes and gave the blue a sidelong glance.<p>

"What ever gave you that idea?" He muttered sarcastically.

"Well first, he is yelling-"

"You didn't actually need to answer."

"But...you asked me what gave me that idea..."

"Yeah. It was sarcasm. He's obviously pissed."

"..." Caboose remained silent for a few minutes, his blue eyes trained on Tucker as he dug into Church's wound, trying to get the bullet out, and would then flick to the black-haired man as he shouted a series of profanities.  
>Seeing a window of opportunity, Simmons tried to perk up as he turned to face Caboose.<p>

"Hey, I can see you guys are really busy right now. Why don't I come back later?" He asked, keeping his tone light so as to sound rather like a neighbor who had come over for a visit.

"Yes. I think that would be good. I do not think Church is in the mood to have company." The blue nodded, looking over at the red and smiling. "Thank you for coming though! Hopefully next time no one shoots Church. Then our visit can last longer."

Simmons just smiled and nodded. With a wave to Caboose, he turned on his heel and exited the room as quickly and quietly as possible. The blue base was set up the same as the red, so he quickly found his way out and only then did he breathe a sigh of relief. That sigh was brought to a quick halt, however, when he walked straight into someone. Reeling back, trying to keep his balance for the second time that day, though this time succeeding, he was surprised to see it was Grif that he had slammed into. The orange soldier appeared just as bewildered and, as a bonus surprise for both of them, the shorter man pulled Simmons into a hug. "Holy fuck, you're alive!" Grif cried. Then, he paused. Realizing what he was doing, he pushed himself away from Simmons, looked up at him, and replaced the look of relief on his face with his typical bored expression. "I mean...oh hey, you're not dead. That's good, I guess."

Donut flounced over, smiling coyly. "We heard that gunshot and thought the blues had killed you!" He clarified, choosing to wait before commenting on the hug. Grif coughed awkwardly and nodded, taking a step back from Simmons.  
>"Yeah. What exactly happened in there then, if you didn't get shot? I mean, I'm guessing you didn't get shot, since you're not bleeding."<p>

"Er, that's...that's a difficult thing to explain," Simmons replied, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "But basically, they shot their own guy by accident."

"They seem to do that a lot." Donut commented. "It wasn't Caboose that got hit, was it?" He added a second later, concerned now for his friend.

"Hah, no. It was the light blue guy. Church, or whatever."

"Oh. Well...good." Donut's smile returned. Simmons gave a curt nod before glancing around.

"Where's Sarge? I thought you guys were gonna sneak attack the blues while I had them distracted?"

"Huh? Oh! Uh, yeah, once we heard that gunshot...it turned into a rescue mission. And uh...he stayed back at base, just in case the blues came to, uhm, find another red to capture...?" Grif answered, shifting his stance as he quickly came up with an answer that was, of course, completely false.

"Oh. Well...I guess it worked out all right in the end, anyway, seeing how one of the blues got injured." Simmons shrugged.

"Yeah. Yes! But um, let's not discuss this mission with Sarge at all. Ever." Grif added, thinking quickly.

"...Why exactly?" Simmons asked, now suspicious. This whole thing hadn't been made up, had it? Ohhh, if it was, he was going to _kill_ Grif.

"Because. Uhm. You know how he gets after a failed mission, how depressed and shit he gets. If we don't talk about it, he'll be happier. Which, you know what, he probably knows. So don't be surprised at all if he doesn't ask you what happened or if you're okay."

Simmons raised a brow. The first part had been almost believable; Sarge did always get a little down after a mission was failed. But not asking about anything to do with this at all? That seemed pretty shifty. The maroon clad man shot a glance over at Donut who, after jumping upon spotting his gaze, merely nodded.

"...Whatever," Simmons muttered, not really caring at this point. He just wanted to get back to his own base and away from the blues. He could get Grif in trouble later. There was always an opportunity for that, after all. Maybe he'd just let the lazy man have this one; it hadn't ended all badly, anyway. "Let's just get out of here."  
>And with that, the three reds hopped back in the jeep and left the blues to deal with their own shit.<p>

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><p>The bullet now out of Church's leg and the wound haphazardly stitched back up by Tucker, the cobalt soldier pulled himself up into a better sitting position and glanced around the room tiredly. Spotting the missing prisoner, however, he snapped back into wakefulness and his gaze snapped over to Caboose.<p>

"Where the fuck did the red go?" He asked in a sharp tone, pretty much knowing the answer already.

"Oh, he saw that this wasn't really the time for company, since you were shot and all, and he politely excused himself." Caboose replied with a smile. Church's eye twitched as he glared daggers at the blonde.

"He was our prisoner you moron! He was supposed to stay here, no matter what fucking happened!"

"...Ohhhhh."

"Yeah. I can't deal with this anymore. Just...fuck everything. Fuck you guys, fuck this base, fuck this army..." Church continued the list as he tried to pull himself up, but each time he tried, he failed. Damn leg. "Tucker, help me up."

"What? Fuck you man, I spent over an hour fixing you up, and you just told me to go fuck myself. You're on your own, dude." And with that, the teal soldier left the room, not without flipping his teammate the bird.  
>Church stared after him for a moment before crossing his arms and slumping against the wall.<p>

"I can hel-"

"Shut the fuck up, Caboose."


End file.
